When I tried this in March, which seems like ages ago thanks to COVID 19, I made it 12 days and on the evening of the 12th day I thought I was strong enough to limit myself to only a drink or two. History was faithful, proving itself yet again, and that night ended the same as most every other.
Like I've mentioned, there have been many starts and stops in my attempt to control alcohol but this one is my official Take Two. I feel stronger this time around and my effort feels like it has real purpose and so I am taking it very seriously.
My umpteenth attempt at Day One was August 26, 2020.
So far, I've made it through a pool day with my friends drinking mimosas, two happy hours with friends and a dinner out while everyone else drank wine.
A different approach this time around has included coming clean with my husband. This is something that, surprisingly, I've never done. Honestly, I can't say why I haven't been completely honest. He is kind and patient. He isn't quick to judge and I've always known that he would be supportive. I have probably not really wanted the accountability and he's probably not really wanted our 'normal' to change. I told him about the times I've endangered our kids, lunches alone drinking 2, 3, 4 glasses of wine prior to getting the kids from school, blacking out most nights, feeling awful every day, little aches and pains I knew were attributed to my choices, bloodshot eyes, and all the more tangible effects. I was acutely aware of how these choices impacted my day to day but I was becoming increasing aware of the long term effects, that not only impacted my physical health but also the emotional health of my children. They would soon realize that I had wine in the car and know that it was not only a poor choice but also illegal, their frustration with early bedtimes would soon be linked to me choosing wine over reading them one more story, and they'd see that saying no to the park or a bike ride wasn't because I was 'relaxing'...they are getting old enough to really see what is going on and I cannot bear to miss another moment with them because I'm being selfish with my time. Of course, none of that sounds aspirational but, even more, I realized I was painting a picture of what it looked like to be an adult and I certainly do not want my daughter or son fighting this battle one day.
In the last two weeks, I've had so many moments of seeing that "I would have missed this before". Last Saturday night, the kids and I snuggled in the bed (way past bedtime) and watched a movie...really enjoying each other's company, I was completely relaxed, we snuggled and talked. This is something we've never done because I've always been way too quick to shoo them off to bed. I could sense that they really appreciated the time and they felt special to be in our bed, with me, which made my heart explode.
Speaking of bedtime, a couple of times last week our son came into our room in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and then came to my side of the bed. He called my name and asked if he could lay with me. Waking to his request, and with a fresh mind, I welcomed the opportunity instead of being frustrated that my sleep was being stolen. How many nights have I not heard his request? How many times has he nudged my shoulder only to find me lifeless and passed out? Have they ever cried out from their rooms in fear and I didn't hear them? Thank GOD we've never had an emergency in the middle of the night!
I truly do thank God. For some, that nudge that they feel to change course is often considered to be their conscience. For me, I know that the Holy Spirit has been convicting me for years and I have finally surrendered to His purpose and plan for my life, which doesn't include numbing the day away with alcohol. He will walk me through this trial with steady feet and a clear mind, for my health, for my children's future and for His glory! What, OH WHAT, does He have in store for me??
Speaking of God and the way He works...
A couple of days ago, a friend and I hosted a fundraiser in my front yard benefiting our kids' school. It was a fun event that brought out school families and also other families from the neighborhood. Now typically, this would have been a way for me to mask my problem and get other people to drink alongside me. Of course, a social event for me means drinking and it would have been completely acceptable (in my neighborhood, anyways) to put some mimosas out for the moms and dads while their kids enjoyed a snow cone. Add that event to the fact that my parents were on their way from out of state to spend a couple of days AND we were hosting a Derby Party that evening. I'd woken up that morning wondering 'How am I going to do this?? How in the world am I not going to have some drinks today??". The answer to that was beyond me...
During the fundraiser, I exchanged hellos with an acquaintance and she mentioned that she'd be hosting a toy sale in her yard the following weekend, including donuts and coffee...she added "normally I'd include some champagne, but I quit drinking". I eagerly added "ME TOO!" and that started a very open and honest conversation with someone that might as well have been a complete stranger. She is seen to be a very educated and high functioning person but her problem had cost her her job, she'd had many low spots and was repeating a pattern that she'd seen in her dad for her whole life. After quitting on January 25 she ended up spending some time in outpatient recovery and was almost 9 months sober. I shared that I was just shy of 2 weeks in and she encouraged me to hang in there, to reach out for help if I needed it and her demeanor and clear eyes revealed a changed person to me...the type of outward expression that I wanted others to see in me.
I do not find this encounter to be coincidental. God, in his goodness, sent me the encouragement I needed to make it one more day. And I did.
"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." Hebrews 12:11
Comments
Post a Comment